FSOG- What a difference a year makes
by ruby34
Summary: After the belt incident Ana decided that she needed to find herself. A year of adventures around the world have brought Ana back to Seattle. What will it be like for Ana and Christian to see each other for the first time? How will he take all the new developments? What has Christian been up too? ( no secret love child lol)
1. Chapter 1

**What a difference a year makes?**

Set one year from the belt incident. After FSOG, no Darker. ( The FSOG triology belogns to E L James. I am just manipulating her characters a little. )

 _Saturday June 3, 2012_

"Anastasia Rose Steele, get your tiny ass down here, we have to go!"

Kate's bellowing is always a pleasant wake up call.

"Kate, I am jet lagged, you can't seriously expect me to come with you and Elliot." I yell down.

I just flew in from Hawaii last night. How she can always be so perky in the morning is beyond me. I know for a fact that she and Elliot did not sleep most of the night. Gees, ever hear of sound proofing? I felt like I was in the room, way too much information. I seriously need to invest in some noise canceling head phones until I get my own place.

Kate's hand waving in front of my face pulls me from La La land. I didn't even notice her come in the room.

"Ana, why are you not dressed? You are the only one that knows that Elliot and I got engaged last night. You are my Maid of Honor, you are required to come to the family brunch. We are announcing the engagement. Everyone will be there. My family, the Greys, even your dad."

"What!" I shout.

"Surprise!" Kate states proudly.

I feel the blood drain from my face.

"Ana, what is the problem? I thought you would be excited. You have been gone for a year. I am the only one that has seen you and that is because I have followed you. Ray has been coming to the family brunches once a month. He was alone. Ray and Christian have really bonded."

I fall back on the Queen size bed in the immaculately decorated guest room of Kate and Elliot's new house. Kate lays down next to me waiting for my answer. It's time to come clean.

"Kate, I haven't seen my dad, the Greys or your family since Christian and I broke up a year ago. I have some things I need to tell my dad in private. I wasn't expecting to see him until I drive down to his house next weekend. Remember when you were in Barbados after graduation with Elliot and your family? When Christian and I broke up, I told you we just didn't fit together. I couldn't fit into his world and we were just too different. Well, that was only part of it….Christian freaked out when I told him I loved him, among other things. He is, I mean, was the first man that I ever felt anything for. He couldn't love me back. I needed to find out who I was, if there was something wrong with me. I needed to find me and be happy with that person. I had to love myself before I could be with Christian or anyone else."

"You're still in love with Christian!" This is more a statement than question from Kate. With this she starts squealing and jumping on the bed like a toddler.

What have I missed? When did Kate become team Christian?

I throw a pillow at her and knock her on her ass.

"Kate, I thought you hated Christian? You called him Mogul, Control Freak, Money Bags. You would purposely piss him off and said it was like shooting fish in a barrel. What gives? When did you become Team Christian?" At my questioning a deeply sad yet sympathetic look falls over Kates face.

 _Okay, we are definitely not in Kansas anymore Toto._

"Kate, what have I missed in the last year?" I don't know if I want the answer.

"When Elliot and I got back from Barbados, we were expecting to find you. Instead, we found a note that apologized that you were moving out for the foreseeable future, it said you moved the few boxes you had into a small storage unit and that you were changing your phone number, but I could check in with Ray and I could send you and email if I needed to contact you . You needed to find yourself and you were sorry. I saw RED. Elliot was with me as I sped over to Escala like there was a sale on Jimmy Choo's. I might have ran a few lights. I was ready to castrate Christian, I have seen my grandfather do it to the bulls on his ranch, and I doubt it is that much different for a human. Elliot wasn't too happy either, but he was trying to talk me down. Anyway, we got to the penthouse and Christian was sitting in his office. The room smelled horrendous, you could tell that a lot of alcohol had been consumed but nothing else. Christian was at his desk with this little model plane that he put together. I was told it isn't a plane, it is a Blanik L23. Sitting in front of him was a note that you'd written him, a book of correspondence, all your and Christian's emails and text messages printed out and bound, an Ihop receipt. Plus there were some clothes; a skirt and top that was neatly folded but not washed, apparently you wore it home from Georgia. Some weird silver balls, a box of your favorite tea, there were a bunch of pictures of the two of you and bunch of other things that reminded him of you. It was like a shrine to Ana. If I didn't know better, I would think he was a stalker."

Listening to Kate, Ana remembered all of Christian's amazing stalking abilities. Had he used them this past year? What had he seen?

"Kate, what happened?"

"In any case, he looked miserable. The look in his eyes broke my heart. I knew that whatever happened had hurt him just as bad. He wasn't eating and the only water he'd been having was in the form of ice with his alcohol. He has an issue with food and people not eating, yet he was punishing himself for whatever happened between the two of you. His last meal was some Pasta dish with you the Friday you returned from Savannah, that was almost two weeks before. "

With that, I start crying. I tried to hold them back -the tears- but it is useless. I did the same thing. I didn't eat for days. I went to SIP for only one day and that solidified my decision to leave. Once I left Seattle I made myself eat, I started to exercise; I didn't know Christian was suffering.

"Poor Christian, how could I have of done that to him?"

"Why didn't you tell me?" I question Kate much more forcibly then I mean to.

"Ana, don't you remember? After you left, you changed your number. It took two months before Ray would give it to me. It was four months until you would let me visit you on your around the world excursion. That was with promise that I would not bring up anything about Seattle unless it was about work, Kavanaghs, or Elliot with the caveat that I would leave out the gory sex details. You wouldn't allow me to say _his_ name, let alone tell you about how his world imploded without you."

As I listen to Kate, I realize that I did this. My heart is breaking; I didn't know it could break any more than it had.

"Kate, What happened? Is Christian okay?"

Kate looks uncomfortable like she doesn't want to tell me something. I am guessing that I would've heard on the news if something serious happened to Christian.

Kate's silence is scaring me. My mind is bringing up the worst possibilities.

"Please, Kate, my imagination is probably worse than what you are not telling me, please !" I plead.

"Okay, Taylor made me sign an NDA but I am guessing you know most of this and I know you aren't going to write a tell-all about Christian."

Kate takes a deep breath and I hold mine.

"Christian told us about his mother, the "crack Whore", the pimp, his burns, even things he has never told his therapists. Then he told us about "Mrs. Robinson" as you called It and what happened between them, how she told him that nobody would believe him if he tried to stop it, that he deserved the whips, canes and torture for killing his birth mother. He was the cause of all of his mother's problems. Without him she would still be alive. He was the monster causing problems for the Greys just like his birth mother."

"Christian didn't kill his mother, he was a baby. She was supposed to protect him. He isn't a monster, he is so sweet, so caring, so generous…" I continue to cry, I don't know how much more of this I can take.

" I agree, Christian is a everything you mention. He isn't a monster, although he tried to convince us he was when …. he told us what happened between the two of you and how he didn't deserve someone as sweet and innocent as you. That he can't be loved and doesn't fit in with his perfect family. That nobody can love him. At that point, I threw up all over Christian's very expensive Persian rug. On the plus side, some vomit got on his pants so he finally took a shower and shaved so he didn't look like a caveman with that giant beard. "

"I can't imagine Christian with a beard, he was always so put together. I can imagine a little stubble would look nice on him. He always looked like a runway model that I didn't deserve."

"Seriously, Ana, the two of you had shitting parents. You love each other, you both deserve love. I swear, if I hear either of you say you don't, I will slap you!"

Hugging Kate, "I am sorry, I shouldn't of said that. That is how I felt. I know who I am now! So what happened next?"

"Elliot was enraged that his little brother was raped by the botoxed medusa; He was ready to kill her. Luckily, some giant hulk-like man named Sawyer came out and did a wrestling move on Elliot and knocked him out long enough to calm him down and call in reinforcements. Gail and I tried to convince Christian to go to the hospital to get some fluids and get checked out. He hadn't eaten or gone outside and he seriously looked gaunt, but because of his touch issues he had a panic attack. Lucky for us, Sawyer used that nifty move and both Grey brothers were knocked out and lying on the couches."

I am sure I looked terrified that the Grey brothers had been incapacitated.

"Don't worry, it has something to do with pressure points. It only knocked them out for a few minutes and they woke up much calmer. Taylor called Grace, Dr. Flynn and Carrick. It was crazy; Grace was in full doctor mode. Within 30 minutes, she had everything she needed to get Christian taken care of; IV's, meds, you name it. Christian was so dehydrated he was on bed rest for a week. It took several more days to get him to start to eat. I guess he is his own worst enemy. He could have seriously damaged his heart, liver, kidney you get the drift. Grace and Carrick took a leave of absence from each of their jobs for a month. Although, technically Christian didn't, he didn't see anything GEH related unless it needed a signature. Even then, GEH lawyers, Ros, and Carrick went over it and Christian just signed when needed. Ros took care of most things. Flynn had daily sessions with Christian and some extra with his family. I even went to one because I am best friends with you, and Flynn had some questions."

Questions about me, interesting, I will have to ask her about that later.

As Kate continues to explain how the Greys rallied around Christian and how in time she became friends with him. There have been changes all around. Apparently Christian is still in intensive focus based therapy. I wonder what he is focused on? The playroom has been destroyed and turned into a gym. Christian is starting to realize that his family is not going anywhere.

I wonder what happened to the Bitch troll?

Just as I am about to ask, Kate insists that we need to get ready to go

"Kate, I don't know about this. I love you like the sister I never had, but I don't know if I can do this, if I can see Christian just yet. What if he brings a date? You have told me so much. I have so much to absorb. What if his family hates me for causing his breakdown? I have spent the past year working on me, what if he doesn't like the new me? I have nothing to wear."

With that, Kate interrupts my rambling, "Ana, you are coming! End of story. Christian has not dated anyone since you left. He will be excited. He has no idea you are here. Nobody blames you, trust me we have had many discussions and you are definitely not the cause. So much more has happened, but right now, we need to go celebrate Elliot and I getting engaged. That is, if you and Christian can pull yourself away from each other? He is going to be so surprised. "

I remember Christian's stalker tendencies and I am not sure about that. Kate is staring me down. I know I am not getting out of this one, I might as well save my energy. I do want to see my dad. I need to remember everything I have learned about myself over the past year.

"Give me ten minutes and I will be down stairs. I missed you and I am so excited to be home!" I hug my best.

I have not made the last year easy on anyone and it seems like it was equally difficult in Seattle.

I take the quickest shower of my life, put on a floral summer dress I got while in Hawaii and put a Hibiscus flower clip in my hair, with my hair flowing down my back. A little bit of lip gloss and mascara and I am done. I think I look hot. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. I will not melt into a puddle at Christian's feet. I am not feeling that confident in the last one.

I get downstairs and Elliot and Kate are making out.

Do they think that they can merge into one person? I seriously need my own place.

"Okay, love birds, let's go!"

Nothing.. It is like I am not even here.

"I am not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch!" With that, the love birds detach from one another.

We hop into my rental car. Why did it have to be an Audi? Seriously, the sub special; At least mine is a convertible.

I shake my head trying to rid myself of the memory.

The drive to Bellevue is quiet, if you don't mind the soundtrack of soft porn coming from the love birds in the back seat. I will just pretend it is an episode of Game of Thrones, where is a white walker when you need one? Can I at least get a Dragon for putting up with this?

Finally we pull up to the Greys' beautiful estate. I honestly never thought I would be here again.

As we are getting out of the car, my phone starts to vibrate with a message from my publicist.

***Change of plans, Book Release Tomorrow! Pre- Orders are through the roof on amazon and breaking records. Get ready for book signing tour. 3 IE***

***Publisher nixed the penname idea. He loves that the book is coming from a Russian princess. Lol 3 IE***

"What the hell!" I am leaning against the car. I can't move.

How did this happen. Nobody was supposed to know. What am I going to do?

Elliot and Kate notice that I haven't followed them toward the house and return to me.

"Ana Banana, what is wrong? You are white as a ghost. I know Christian will be excited to see you." Elliot says, I give Kate an evil glare.

Elliot is so care free; I know he is trying to help. I try to pacify him.

"I will be in the house in a few minutes, I just need to handle some work stuff." Elliot hugs me, kisses Kate, ( get a room!) and walks inside.

Kate regards me for second and I really am not in the mood for the Kavanagh inquisition after this morning, so I just hand over my phone and lean against the car and close my eyes. Maybe I can magically fly away.

The squeal that Kate lets out is loud enough that I expect to see some dogs running towards us.

"This is incredible, Ana, why aren't you celebrating?"

"Kate, the past year I was traveling and trying to find myself. I worked as a freelance author for some magazines and newspapers. I was also traveling to research BDSM around the world. I spoke to couples that have been together for over 30 years. I went to clubs, I interviewed people, I went to one convention that was pretty strange. I spoke to Dominants and submissive in all walks of life. People you would never expect. I took all that information and I wrote a book that was supposed to be published later in the month under my penname. Instead, the publisher and my agent have decided that since erotica is such a hit right now, and pre-sales have sky rocketed, the book is being released tomorrow. How can I go inside and tell everyone, including my dad, that I wrote an erotic BDSM love story, and by the way, I got a Master's Degree in Women and gender Sexuality?"

"You just did, Annie."

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit , that voice.

"Hi Daddy." I know I must be blushing like a lobster.

Apparently sometime during my ranting to Kate, I didn't notice EVERYONE came outside.

They are all getting cow bells for Christmas to put around their necks so I can hear when they are coming out. Damn they are a bunch of stealthy ninjas. No more sneaking up on me people!

The Kavanaghs, the Greys, my dad, Taylor, Gail, and Christian are all staring at me.

I really don't know what to say or how to read everyone's faces. All the ladies are blushing, not quite as bad as me. Elliot is jumping up and down, I know the next thing he says is going to embarrass me even more than I already am, if that is even possible. My dad is giving me that dad stare that says, why am I just hearing this for the first time? Not exactly something I want to discuss on the phone with my father, actually I don't want to discuss it ever! Who would? Most of the men are staring at their feet as if their shoes are the most interesting things in the world.

Then there is Christian; the man that has made up my dreams and nightmares for the past year. He always had a great poker face but his eyes are telling me something different. I don't know if this is going to go good or bad.

Should I get back in my car? Can we go back inside and pretend they didn't hear anything? Where is Michael J. Fox and that nifty DeLorean, I could really use a time machine.

Just as I am about to make a run for it, I hear that silky smooth voice that still makes me melt. "Anastasia, we need to talk, please come with me."

My memory of Christian has not done him justice. If possible he is even more handsome. He has definitely been working out. OMG… How did I walk away from that?

Christian reaches for my hand and I contemplate whether to take it or not. As always, I am mesmerized by his eyes. Somehow they look different. He still has that broken look, and it's almost as if it has gotten worse. I wonder if he has been sleeping.

Christian is still holding out his hand. I am acutely aware that nobody has moved or said anything. I think a few people are holding their breaths.

I place my hand in Christian's hand and follow him around towards the back yard.

Once we are out of sight, I swear that I hear cheering. Our families are so weird.

That tingly feeling that has always been present for only Christian comes out from the year long hibernation.

"Where are we going?" I stupidly ask.

Why does my IQ seem to drop when I am in Christian's proximity? I have heard that men have all their blood go to their penises so they can't use both their brain and dick at the same time. What is my body's excuse?

"Boathouse, we need to talk!"

 _Why didn't I slash my tires when I had the chance?_

The memories of Christian that I try to bury on a daily basis are refusing to be ignored.

We walk into the boathouse and Christian's lips find mine. It is a kiss like never before. I pour a year worth of yearning into the kiss and it feels like Christian is doing the same thing.

We move over to the couch and Christian sits. I try to leave a little space between us so that my brain will function but Christian pulls me onto his lap. I know that we need space to talk but this feels so right.

Christian is rubbing my back with one hand and holding my face with the other. I guess he really didn't know I was coming.

"Anastasia, as much as I would love to never leave this room, I am pretty sure that our families will be waiting for us. Where have you been? What did you do? A book, sex clubs, a Master's degree. Please, tell me what I have missed?" Christian is imploring me and I don't know if he will like everything he hears.

I pull him into another deep kiss; my hands are twisting in his hair. I need at least one more kiss. Who knows what will happen. Please Christian don't go thermonuclear.

"Well, after I left the penthouse…."

* * *

 _ **A/N: This was my first time writing and I wasn't sure where to leave off. I originally wrote this as a group one- shot challenge. I have decided that I will**_

 _ **be completing this story. More to come very soon. Thank you for reading and reviewing. Thank you to my betas Hofit and Indolent Eden you are both**_

 _ **amazing. SdaiyS thank you for all of your awesomeness. I don't think I would of had the courage to post this if you hadn't done the challenge and all your**_

 _ **encouragement. Thank you to everyone in the FB group FSoG Fanafic Obsessed. It is wonderfully supportive group of Fanfic authors, readers and friends.  
**_


	2. Chapter 2 The Boathouse

Ana POV:

"Well, after I left the penthouse I went back to the Pike place apartment. It didn't feel like home. I was alone in every sense of the word. To be honest my ass was so sore I couldn't even lie down and have a good cry. As bad as it hurt the pain was minuscule when compared to what it felt like in my heart." I am still sitting on Christian's lap and I place his hand above my heart. I need him to really understand. I know what Kate has told me but I need Christian to hear my side.

"Everything reminded me of you. It took months until I could listen to music without crying my eyes out and I still have to skip some songs altogether. I didn't eat for over a week. I survived on diet cokes." Yippee, grumpy Christian is back. I don't think I have missed that side.

"I don't understand, you left me, why were you upset? You could of Safe worded!" Christian asks, he really knows nothing about women.

"Christian, the only reason I volunteered to go into your red room was because I hoped that if I showed you that I could withstand the punishment you would be able to love me back. I didn't eat because I was heartbroken. The one person I have ever loved didn't love me back. I should of have never gone into that room. I didn't understand it or the lifestyle."

"You understand that lifestyle now? What have you been doing?" Christian jumps up so quickly and starts pacing the room, I fall on my ass. Thanks for that fifty! The look of unadulterated disgust on Christian's face makes me want to slap him and kiss him in equal measure. I start to laugh hysterically so I don't kill him. Once I have calmed and Christian is looking at me as if I have grown a second head I start again. I sit back on the couch waiting for the hulk's rage to simmer a little.

"Mr. Grey, I will tell you all about my adventures over the past year. I want to know everything you have done and you need to promise that you will not go thermonuclear no matter what! I don't particularly like being dropped on my ass. Gravity and I already have a love-hate relationship on our own. I can guarantee that you will not like my entire story but I promise that it led me back here."

Christian is rubbing his eyes and pulling at his hair. I know my control freak wants to know everything but I really do not know if he will be able to take it all. Finally, Christian sits back down and places me on his lap. I am clinging to him like a Recess' Monkey. Christian is giving me little kisses down my neck as he speaks. "I am sorry I dropped you on your beautiful ass, can I kiss it and make it feel better?" Christian's hands have a firm grasp of my butt. It is hard to concentrate but I have missed him too much.

"I didn't know you were a fan of such cheesy jokes. Can you please stay calm?" Scratching my nails through Christian's hair I am waiting for an answer. He finally nods his head. "Anyways I was miserable, I took the bus to work and I had an absolutely horrendous day with Jack Hyde. He had no understanding of personal space, he smelt of alcohol, he was rude, condescending and I found out that none of his PA's lasted more than a few months. Usually they were gone after some kind of conference. I wasn't going to take the chance so I told them I had a family emergency and was leaving the state effective immediately. Jack had a fit. That solidified my idea to leave. I got back to the apartment and put the few things I owned into a storage unit. I paid for a year in advance. I took a carry on and my backpack and went to SeaTac. I just needed to get away. I needed to find who I was. Why I would do something so outside my comfort zone. I knew I was attracted to you but I literally was willing to change everything about myself and that didn't feel right."

"Where were you going? I sent you flowers to congratulate you on your first day of work. They were returned" Christian does not seem pleased... just wait until we get to penis Island and the other stuff; So much for staying calm.

"Christian the location wasn't important. I had never been on my own. I lived with Carla who was sort of like living on my own, and then I lived with Ray, then Kate. I wanted to be on my own and make my own mistakes. I didn't want to answer to anyone. You were running your own company but freaking out because I took a flight." I give Christian a deep kiss just for good measure. They seem to calm him a little.

"Once I arrived at the airport and decided I would take the next flight. That happened to be San Francisco. I have only been to California once and that was when Ray took me to Disneyland. I was determined to have an adventure. I booked the next available ticket on South West Airlines. While I was waiting, I ran into my former professor that was relocating to California to work at Berkley. That was one of my favorite classes. The discussions were always so interesting" As I am talking I can feel Christian tensing up. First when I mentioned Jack and now when I mentioned my professor.

"Did you fuck your professor Anastasia?" He whispers with such hatred.

I am seeing red, the nerve of this man!

"No Christian, as amazing as the sex was with you, it didn't turn me off men, I didn't turn into a lesbian over night, I don't know why I even try with you." I slap his cheek and run out of the boathouse. I am not going to run away from Christian but if I stay in that room with him I will not be responsible with what happens. I need some space. Right as I reach the patio Christian has caught up with me and is holding my hand. What is he doing? He hands me a handkerchief.

I look up and see that everyone is smiling. Christian pulls me into his side and kisses the top of my head. I am crying because Christian can be so stupid and everyone else looks ecstatic. They don't realize what is going on and I don't want to be the one to ruin Kate and Elliot's announcement.

If Christian really thinks that I am going to play happy couple after the way he just acted he has no idea; game on.


	3. Chapter 3

I can't believe him. I mean I can, but seriously? Everyone is staring at Christian and I. The looks of joy on their faces tells me they think Christian and I have worked everything out. If only they knew. I pull my hand out of Christian's grip and make my way to my dad.

"Hi dad!" I wrap my arms around his neck and try to relish the feeling. Dad has always made me feel safe. He has always been my home. "Dad, I missed you so much. Talking to you once a week is just not the same."

"Annie, I missed you too pumpkin. It seems like we have a lot to talk about. Nothing you could tell me will change that, you will always be my little girl. Stop crying, we will work it out. He is a good man, he loves you."

Ray wipes my tears and speaks to me like I am child. The familiar smell of Red Flannel, the cologne, he has worn for as long as I can remember fills my senses. At this moment, after a year of being strong and a less than successful conversation with Christian, I relish every second.

"Ray, try our new ginger beer. I know it's not you favorite but our brewer wants our opinion before he continues." Christian hands dad a bottle of beer. I don't think I have ever seen him drink anything other than Bud light.

"Dad you like ginger beer?" I just can't picture it.

"Actually Annie.." why does Ray seem nervous? "Well Christian, Elliot, Carrick, Jose Sr and Junior and I bought a microbrewery."

"What?"

"Last year after one of our monthly fishing trips.."

"You have monthly fishing trips?" I have interrupted dad's explanation but I am so confused.

"Annie, calm down. Yes, we started last summer and it became a monthly tradition. We ended up going to microbreweries on our way back each time. When Christian got a tip about a brewery needing to sell we all went in together. It was a side project but it has become a quite lucrative business. Once you are settled in I will take you on a tour. The Grey's have welcomed me into their family, a lot has happened in the past year. For all of us."

What the fuck. Ray is linked with Christian forever. Is this a bad thing? I guess it is good that he wasn't alone the past year. It's not like I thought everyone's lives stopped while I was gone but I wasn't expecting this.

"Dad, why didn't you tell me?"

"Annie, we can talk about it later." Dad is trying to steer me away from this conversation but I am not having it.

"Dad I am not a child. Please tell me. I feel like I have been left out of the loop." I know I am being childish but this brunch is going south quickly.

"Annie, I will tell you all about the microbrewery. It will probably bore you as much as fishing does. I was not hiding anything from you. I also was not the one with the don't mention Christian stipulation in our conversations. I was also not the one that has been crisscrossing the country writing secret books and getting a degree without anyone else explain why I was left out of the loop."

I have only seen Ray this frustrated with me a handful of times. "Sorry Daddy." I feel like a chastised child.

"We have a lot to discuss Annie. I love you, always remember that."

I feel Christian's hand trace down my back and stop on my hip. He pulls me to his side. As mad as I am about our talk I yearn for this connection. His lips are pressed to my forehead. As I glance up at Ray he pats Christian on the back and winks at him as he walks away. What was that about and what happened to his no-go areas?

Ray walks towards Elliot and Carrick who are discussing the intricacies of ginger beer I look up at Christian imploring him for some answers.

.

" You aren't the only one that has had an eventful year. I am sorry for what I said. Can we get through this brunch and go to my place so we can talk?"

I turn toward Christian and I can see the silent plea in his eyes. His hand is caressing my cheek and his deep gray orbs have pulled me in and I am putty in his hands. I would probably agree to anything at this moment. I don't trust my voice so I just nod.

"So much has changed and I wanted to tell you everything, just give me time."

Christian bends down and gives me a deep kiss that conveys how he feels. I know we need to take it slowly but I can't help it. I wrap my hands around his neck and into his hair. We lose ourselves in the kiss until a we hear someone clearing their throat. Carrick looks so pleased.

"As much as we all want you two back together, can we not consummate the relationship on the patio? Brunch is ready, the Kavanaughs and the Rodriguez's have arrived and Kate and Elliot have an announcement." Carrick chuckles and walks away.

I blush deep red. I think we both forgot where we were. What do they all know? What have I missed? How will they react when I tell them what I have been up too? " Don't over think Ana. We love you. All of us!" Christian kissed me again before he leads us over to the gazebo where brunch is set up.

Did Christian just tell me he is in love with me? He said he couldn't love me and that it was wrong that I loved him.

"You are still overthinking baby, and yes I said I love you. Let's eat."

"Ana, darling it has been too long. We haven't seen you since graduation. How have you been doing? We must catch up." Kate's mom embraces me in a hug. She has always been so caring.

Eamon Kavanaugh, Kate's dad is just as excited to see me. I get passed around to everyone that has just arrived until I make it to Jose.

"Ana, what a surprise. I didn't know you were back. Your emails were always so cryptic. I have so much to tell you. Christian must be ecstatic that you have returned. You are all he talks about."

Jose's is now on team Christian?

Christian would get so upset when I would talk to Jose, now they are best friends?

Those fishing trips must have been magic.

A year is only 365 days but I feel like I have missed a lifetime. I know it was the right thing to do for me but it is just so weird. I have to acclimate myself to the new normal even if I feel like I have stepped into the twilight zone.

"Ana, why are you crying?" Kate ever the journalist doesn't miss the tears I am trying to hide.

"Kate I am fine. I just didn't realize how much I missed everyone." I really didn't think anyone would notice that I was gone.

"I call bull-shit Steele but for now I will let it go. Later I want the truth." The Kavanaugh inquisition postponed, thank goodness.

"The truth, about what? Why are you crying baby?" Christian has wrapped his arms around me again. I thought it wouldn't mean anything but his arms around me makes my entire body come alive.

"Nothing, I am fine." I look at Christian's chest. If I look into his eyes I will break down and not in one of those sweet cries that sometimes you just need to soothe your soul. It will be full ugly cry, bawling, mascara down the face.

"We both know she's lying. Maybe you can get it out of her. I will leave her in your capable hands. El and I need to make the announcement so everyone can eat." Kate gives Christian a kiss on the cheek and joins Elliot.

"Baby, I am not going to force you to tell me what has upset you, but please know I am not going anywhere. Let's get this over with so we can be alone." Christian once again pulls me into his arms and we join the others for the big surprise announcement.

Kate is glowing. She and Elliot are the perfect couple. They compliment each other in every way.

" I know everyone is hungry so Kate and I will make this a quick announcement. As you know Kate is my world. Since the first time I saw her in the club in Portland I have been mesmerized. She has brought happiness beyond what I thought was possible. She is my world and I am exhilarated to announce that Katherine Kavanaugh has agreed to spend the rest of her life with me and become Katherine Grey." Elliot pulls a red velvet box out of his pocket and gets on one knee. " I know you said yes last night but I wanted to present the ring in front of our families. Will you do me the honor of marrying me?"

"Yes, a million times yes!" Kate shouts as she jumps into Elliots arms.

Kate is overjoyed and the ring that Elliot is slipping onto her finger is magnificent. Even though I already knew what was going to happen, it is still a wonderful feeling to see it with my own eyes. I am so happy that I didn't miss this moment. Christian hands me a handkerchief, I didn't even realize I was crying again. He rubs my back as I try to compose myself.

"Shall we congratulate the happy couple? You should eat. I think you have lost at least fifteen pounds on that tiny delicious body of yours." Christian's face goes from caring and concerned, to dark and salacious. That smile is the one that makes women and men fantasize about him.

"Actually I have lost twenty but I have added a lot of muscle and core strength. You wouldn't believe the stamina I now have." I kiss Christian on his cheek and start to walk towards El and Kate when Christian whispers in my ear, "You're playing with fire Anastasia."

"I am sure that is meant to be a threat but I have learned a lot about candle and wax play. Fire does have its advantages."

I think I have shocked Christian because he has stopped and his mouth is hanging wide open. Score one for Ana.

After another twenty minutes of congratulations, fawning over the engagement ring and a beautiful toast to the newly engaged couple we finally sit take our seats. Christian is on my right and my dad is on my left. I don't think I could have imagined this. I was dreading today but for the first time I am letting myself open up the possibility that Christian and I could work everything out.

Then just like that my bubble is burst by Elliot's question.

"So Ana, what exactly did you have to do to get a masters degree in Women and Gender Sexuality? Does it sound as exciting as I am imagining? I might need to go back to school."

I can feel Christian's eyes boring a hole into the side of my head. I am not continuing this conversation until we are alone. It is best that we avoid bystander casualties when fifty goes thermonuclear. "Elliot, we can talk about my adventures over the past year later. When do you guys want to have the wedding? Have you discussed anything? Let me know how I can help and I will be there." Do not look at Christian, do not look at Christian, do not look at Christian… maybe if I keep repeating this it will actually help. Elliot and Kate are discussing wedding options and I am not listening to a word that is being said. I can feel Christian's eyes on me. I push the food around on my plate hoping to get a reprieve.

Christian leans over and moves my hair out of my face. He kisses my cheek and whispers so that only I can hear him. "Nice diversion but you are not getting out of this so easily. We will continue this conversation. No more running baby."

To everyone else the kiss was an innocent gesture but I can feel the tension coming off him in waves. It is not like I cheated on him. We have been apart for a year. It's not like Rachel and Ross where I need to say "we were on a break", we were, we are broken up.

Who am I trying to kid? My heart has been Christian's since I fell into his office. I gave it to him and I never got it back. Nobody has made me feel like he has. No matter how many dates I went on, the experiences I have had or what I have learned will change that. I need to have this conversation with him and figure out where we stand. No more running,maybe a little hiding after I tell him about Robert.

"Annie are you alright?" My dad's voice pulls me from my inner musing.

"Sorry dad, what did you say?" What did I miss?

"Annie, where did you go? We were discussing locations for destination weddings. Elliot asked what you thought about Hawaii and you were in la la land."

"I'm sorry, I was just thinking. Hawaii is beautiful. I spent a month exploring the islands and it is breathtaking. If you are going to do it check out the smaller islands. Everyone does Maui or the big Island but Hawaii has so much more." There's that word again. Whenever I say it I am reminded of the man next to me.

Christian lifts my hand and intertwined our fingers. He places a gentle kiss on the back of my hand and whispers, "I want more too!"

I gasp as I let the possibilities wash over me.

"Stop overthinking Anastasia. I am not going anywhere."

"I love the Hawaiian islands. I also loved when we went to Tahiti Ana…" Kate stops as soon as she realizes what she said.

"When did you go to Tahiti Kate?" Elliot questions Kate as he looks between Kate and myself.

The tension around the table has raised exponentially. It is like I am on one of those reality shows where all your secrets are revealed in front of your family.

"Elliot please don't be upset with Kate. In one of the trips she took to come see me this past year she met me in Tahiti. To be fair I made her swear not to tell anyone where she was going or that she saw me. It was a lot of field work and some beach time. No bars and no guys. If you are going to get upset, be upset with me. I made her promise, it was stupid and I shouldn't of made her choose between you and me but at the time I didn't know what else to do. I swear that will not happen again." I feel like everyone is staring at me. I am willing the tears to stay back.

I can't stand the stares any longer, I excuse myself. I can hear voices behind me but I don't stop. I run up the stairs looking for a powder room so I can cry in peace. Suddenly I am pulled into a strong chest that can be nobody else's.

"Christian, please… I just need to be alone for a few minutes.

This place is maze. I can't find a powder room."

"Ana, please look at me." I shake my head at Christian's request. I know I will break if I look into those gray eyes.

Christian pulls me up another flight of stairs and into a room. He sits on a bed and pulls me onto his lap and into his arms. "Anastasia, please look at me. If you need to cry, you can do it while I hold you. I am not letting you run away. Even if it is in my parents house. Elliot and Kate are fine, he was just surprised. Kate promised to fill him in on the trips she took and he understands that you were in a place where it was easier to avoid all things that had to do with me. I am sorry I caused so much grief while we were together that you wanted nothing to do with me." Christian's voice sounds broken.

I finally look up and see his face. I caress his cheek like he has done to me so many times in the past. " Christian, I cherish every moment that we have ever spent together. I am sorry I have made you doubt that. I couldn't let Ray or Kate speak about you or let anyone know what was going on because if I did I would of broke. Every day I had to convince myself that it was better to finish what I started and complete my degree. If I had spoken to you I would of been back in a heartbeat. I needed to make myself stronger. It wasn't about being away from you. I have spent so much time being naive and a push over. I needed to do this for myself. "

"How about we make a promise to each other, you tell me about your adventure over the past year and I promise to not fly off the handle. In return I will tell you about all the changes I have made. Hopefully we can get to a place where the stronger you can find a way to love the new me. I don't want to be the reason you run away."

At Christian's words the dam breaks open again and I can't stop crying. What have I missed?

"Christian, I never stopped loving you." Before I can say anymore his lips are on mine. I don't know how Christian can make me go from crying to feeling like my heart will combust and my panties drenched.

"I really wish we weren't in my childhood bedroom. I can feel your warmth."

"I don't think I care where we are." I intentionally bite my lip wondering if it still has the same affect on him.

The guttural growl he lets out answers my question.

"When this brunch is over you are coming back to my place." Christian kisses my lips between each word.


	4. Chapter 4

A knock on the door just as it swings open interrupts us before I have a chance to formulate an answer.

"Can we join the party?" Elliot questions as he and Kate enter the room. "Ana banana, why are you crying? I promise Kate and I are fine. She is going to fill me in. After everything that we learned about Christian last year we all made a pact to be honest without judgement. As hard as it has been it has made us all closer. We are stronger as a family. That includes Ray and you. We will all get passed this. Nothing could change how I feel about Kate or how Christian feels about you."

I can feel Christian tighten his hold around my waist. I really hope that is true.

Elliot kisses my cheek and an awkward hug seeing as Christian will not allow me to get off his lap or loosen his grip.

"El we will be down in a few minutes. Go enjoy your engagement."

Once Kate and Elliot close the door I turn toward Christian.

"Nothing you could tell me will change the way I feel. I promise to try and keep from going thermonuclear as you like to put it.'

As much as I know that we should go downstairs, I can't pull myself out of his arms. The magnetic pull between us is too strong.

Eventually we make it downstairs. I have decided to tell Christian everything and let the chips fall as they may. I never thought we would be able to be together again so I will hope for the best.

The rest of brunch was thankfully uneventful. I made it through without anymore tears. Hopefully I will be able to say that after the conversation with Christian.

I promised dad that we would meet up for dinner next week and I would answer his questions.

Christian and I are on our way to his place so I thought. I notice that we aren't going toward Escala. Christian pulls up to a gated property. "Christian where are we?"

"My place, I sold escala a few months ago. Too many demons that needed to be exercised." The look on his face is hopeful. " We are on Mercer Island, I have always wanted a place on the water. Would you like a tour now or later?"

"Now would be great." Maybe I can buy myself some time. His home looks more like a palace. A two story entryway is the just the start of the opulence. Six bedrooms with eight and a half baths. He tells me about the movie theater, library, bar, all weather gym with pool, three acres that with dock, pier and boathouse on Lake Washington. The property is over 15,000 square feet and includes a guest house for Gail and Taylor who have since married as well as a space for all the extra needed security. I zoned out sometime during the tour and I am sure I have missed much of the properties features.

Somehow we end up back at the bar that looks out over the yard with a pool and hottub.

"Is Chateau Lafite-Rothschild red wine acceptable or would you like something else?"

" You talk about thousand dollar wine bottles like most people discuss a soda. I am fine with whatever you are having." Christian smiles and I can tell he is thinking of something naughty, as always.

" What has you smiling?" I question and his smile splits his face. This must me good.

"I was just thinking about the bottle of wine we had together at your old apartment in Vancouver. It was a great wine but licking it off your body and made it a completely different vintage."

How does he do this? I remember that evening. I can feel myself getting red. Instead of blushing I am getting turned on. His hands cup my cheeks and he pulls me into a gentle kiss.

"I can tell you enjoyed that memory as much as I do." Christian peppers my face with gentle kisses and runs his nose along mine before our foreheads meet. Apparently the seduction of Anastasia Steele has begun. I can feel his erection pushing into my stomach. That is not any of the places that I would like it. My panties are dripping, I never stood a chance.

We need to talk, that means I need some space if I want to form a coherent sentence. My brain has ceased to work and another part of my anatomy is trying to call the shots.

After a few minutes we both seem to pull ourselves together. I'm trying to not stare at the tent in his pants. I am caught staring and Christian smirking does not help.

"Sorry but he has a mind of his own. He wants to put you on this bar and worship every inch of your body. I can smell your arousal from here."

With a practiced flourish Christian opens the bottle of wine and pours pours the wine into a short, bowl like wine glass. I swirl the wine to oxygenate it, hold a sip of the wine in my mouth for a few seconds and let the flavors linger. The immensely dense tannic structure of the fruity red is amazing. I didn't realize that Christian was staring at me. His mouth is hanging open.

"Where did you learn that?"

That is a loaded question. "I went wine tasting a few times while in California. I have learned a few things."

" I have gathered that. What exactly have you learned? Did you go wine tasting by yourself? What is in the book you wrote? What did you have to do for that degree? Why do you look so nervous and did you sleep with anyone while you were gone?"

With his last question I splutter the sip of wine all over the bar and my dress.

"I still want some answers but we need to get that dress off you before it stains."

Christian pulls me towards a room that I don't believe was on the tour. I am still shocked by his question, although I shouldn't be.

"This is my room. Why don't you go into the bathroom and I will grab you some clothes."

A few minutes later Christian knocks and enters his bathroom. My dress is in the sink and I am standing in my white body by Victoria lace bra and thong set. In theory in covers the same as a bathing suit and it isn't like Christian hasn't seen me naked but I wasn't planning for him to see me like this.

"Anastasia you are a vision." He walks over to me pulls me into his embrace and wraps his strong arms around my shoulders and down my back. When his hands discover how little my panties cover I feel him twitch. Apparently I have surprised him as well. No more granny panties for me.

I have learned to control my blushing for the most part but it still feels good knowing how I can effect him.

"I, uh, brought you some clothes. Yoga pants and a t-shirt."

"The great Christian Grey is tongue tied, I do believe that is a first."

I give him a little peck but notice that the clothes still have prices tags on them. "Are those Mia's?"

"Actually they are yours. It was part of the clothes that my personal shopper choose for you when we were in Georgia last year. I never had the chance to give them to you and I didn't have the heart to return them or donate them. They have been in the closet for the past year."

I do believe Christian is blushing. "Isn't that hard to explain to the woman you have seen over the past year." The thought alone makes me nauseous.

"Anastasia, the last person I had sex with was you."

That got my attention. "Really, me?"

"Yes, you. Between work, family, your father and working out I haven't had a social life.

I tried but nobody compared to you."

I can't help the smile that is on my face. I stroke his cheek and decide to kiss him deeply.

The first kiss leads to a make out session. At this moment I don't care about everything we need to discuss I just want him.

Surprisingly Christian is the one to pull away.

" Ana, I want nothing more than to reacquaint myself with your delectable body but I don't want to scare you away. I want you, all of you. If that means that I have to suppress this," he presses his erection into my stomach, "I will wait as long as you need."

"I don't know if I want to wait. " I sound whiny even to my own voice. Ana Steele, you have traveled the world and learned so much. Don't forget yourself.

" Would you like to go into the hot tub?" Christian nods towards the whirlpool tub in his bathroom. It is the size of a several bathtubs.

"I don't have a swimsuit." Seriously Ana, you are standing in front of him in your underwear.

The smile that forms across Christian's face tells me he realizes the same thing.

" You could wear this or go nude. Think of it as skinny dipping."

I do believe that is a challenge. Game on Grey.

The look is one I have seen before. He is challenging me, since I can't say no to a challenge I walk over to the tub so it can begins to fill. I start to slowly remove my bra. Christian obviously wasn't expecting that because his quick intake of air gives him away. Just to fan the fire I bite down on my lip and gently toss my bra at him.

I run my hands down my body and over my breasts ever so slowly.

As I get to the hem of my panties I slowly push them down.

Christian's eyes look like they are going to pop out of his head. I throw my bow drenched panties at him and Christian being the kinky bastard he is bunches them into a ball and smells them an places them into his pocket.

"You're waxed." I am pulled back into his arms. Christian is fully dressed and I am naked.

"I think you are wearing far too much clothes. May I?"

I reach for the clasp on his belt moving slightly back.

"When did you get a tattoo?"

Shit, shit, shit. How did I forget about my tattoo. I guess it could because I don't even think about it.

"I got it last year."

"Seriously Ana, I thought we agreed to no secrets."

Dammit he looks hurt.

"Christian can we talk about my tattoo later. I thought we were getting in the tub." I try to turn on the charm and run my hand up and down his arm.

"I know what you're doing. You might be able to distract me for a few minutes but I won't let this go. Have it your way. Tell me when you're ready."

Christian is being understanding, I wasn't expecting that after his blowup in the boathouse. I guess he was serious. I guess there is hope that he might be understand my experiences this year.

I walk toward the hook and pick up Christian's robe. If we aren't getting in the water I don't want to get cold.

"What are you doing?"

"Christian you have made it clear that we aren't going in the tub. I am not standing around naked for no reason." I am finally confident about my body but I still have no intentions of being the only one naked.

Christian walks to the tub and turns on the water from the waterfall spout coming out of the wall. It is amazing how fast this thing fills.

"Don't shut me out Ana. I know a lot has changed but my feelings for you haven't. I know I haven't properly expressed them but I love you. I cherish you and everything that reminds me of you. Like the model glider sits on my desk. I won't lose you again."

"Christian I never stopped loving you. I just need to make sure this is going to work. I am a different person then I was when I left Escala last year.

I want to be with you but you need to know the new me. You might not even like Ana 2.0." That thought makes me sad but I know it is a possibility.

Christian removes his clothes and I feel like I am watching my own personal striptease. If only I had some one dollar bills. .

How is it possible that he is even more ripped then he was last year.

"I doubt there's any part of you that I would not love." He speaks emphatically and I long to believe it. "Are you enjoying the show?" With that he pecks me on my kiss.

"Yes very much are much better than any of the male strippers. " I take my eyes over his body. This man could make a nun loose her habit. Get your head out of the gutter Steele.

"Christian I don't have a submissive bone in my body. Although I know that you are out of that lifestyle I don't know if the rest of you has changed. You told me several times that you thrive on control. I can't be controlled, that I know for sure."

"Let's get into the water and you can tell me how you "know"."

Shit he didn't miss that part. What's with the Freudian slips?

Christian pours in some vanilla and apple bath oils. Not what I expected when I picture Christian. I guess he notices my questioning glance because he answers my unspoken question.

" It reminds me of you. Last year you would wear a vanilla lotion and your hair always smelled of apples. On a particularly difficult day I would relax in here after a long workout and it made me feel closer to you. "

That alone makes my heart beat faster.

Christian sits in the tub after helping me in. I decide if we are going to start this conversation I need to be close.

I move toward Christian in this swimming pool he calls a tub.

I sit across his lap and wrap my arm around his. I don't miss his groan.

"Am I too heavy?" I can feel his erection standing at full mast against my hip. "I can move?" I adjust as if I am going to get off his lap. His arms wrap around me keeping me in place.

"Don't you dare Anastasia Steele." I might not be a sub but his dom voice still makes my stomach do flips.

"How do you want to start this. I tell you mine then you tell me yours, Sequentially, in order of thermonuclearness, what's your poison?"

" As much as I want to know everything I have a feeling that I will need time between the the bigger stuff. Since I was stupid and pigheaded in the boathouse why don't you start from where you left off."

"Only if you promise not to act like an arse again."

"I promise to try, pinky promise?"

I raise my finger to his and we link pinkys.

" Another first Mr. Grey. "

"It was Mia's favorite thing to say as a kid. I promise to try and stay calm. At least if I drop you off my lap the water will catch you this time." Christian jokes as he kisses my cheek.

I can do this, I need to do this.

"My professor was Janet Cruise. She was my sociology teacher at WSUV but her PHD is actually on Human sexuality. We had some interesting discussions in class. A few times the pg rated conversations got more interactive because someone would make a smart ass comment. Instead of letting it slide she would impart some wisdom on the class joksters. Eventually we seemed to get every lecture to deal with sex in some way or another. Admittedly bdsm was never one of the topics. When I ran into her at the airport I decided to ask her what she could tell me about bdsm relationships. If she knew any that lasted and how outside the norm is it? We spoke for hours because the flight was delayed. Eventually she explained that she would be teaching at at Berkeley. I mentioned that I had applied for their master's program but I decided not to go."

"You applied for your masters? I don't know this."

Christian looks hurt. I caress his face. My poor fifty.

" Christian I applied for many different masters programs. A good job in publishing can be difficult to find. It was a year before we even met. I received my acceptance packages in January but by then I had decided that the expenses would be too much and I really didn't think I would be able to be on my own. I didn't believe in myself."

"What other universities did you apply too?"

" Umm, Oxford, Harvard, UCLA, UDUB and NYU."

" I'm guessing you got accepted into all of them?"

" Yeah. "

"Anastasia that is amazing. Your brilliance never ceases to amaze me. So what happened next?"

"Well Janet and I discussed what my plans were. At that time I hadn't thought past getting to the airport with and getting a plane ticket.

I told her that I had a relationship that had just ended and that I was interested in not just BDSM but also the different types of relationships. I had read so many books about relationships but most portrayed women as either weak or having little say in their sex life.

You had told me how the sub was the one with the power. I wanted to discover myself, learn to express my wants and needs and see what was out there.

Janet graduated from Berkeley and has written several successful books so she has some clout. She called the dean and explained that she had found her teaching assistant and that I had been accepted but had originally declined my offer. By the time we were in the air I had an email with my acceptance letter, a financial aid package and some information to file for grants.

Janet and I were able talk through my ideas, I had a rough draft of my thesis. When we landed Janet offered to let me stay at her home. She had already bought a three bedroom house a few miles from campus. Her son was studying at Pepperdine so she was by herself. Everything seemed to fall in place perfectly.

Except I missed you."


	5. Chapter 5

CPOV

"Everything seemed to fall in place perfectly. Except I missed you."

Listening to Ana speak has been a rush of emotions. I should be proud of her. She has done so much and on her own. She cut herself off from most everyone she knows, traveled the world, wrote a book, shit I still have to ask her about that and god knows what else.

I want, no I need to know what she has done over the past year.

Where has she been?

Who has she been with?

What has she learned?

What does that tattoo mean?

Who is Robert?

Did she have sex with anyone?

Is she here to stay?

The list of questions I have keeps getting longer. I could ask Barney to do his magic to get me all of the information I could want but even I know that wouldn't go down well.

Does it really matter what she has done? Would anything change how I feel about her? I don't think so. I have loved her from the moment she fell into my office, I was just too stupid to admit it. I pushed her away when I should have held her close.

I can't lose her again. This year has been hell but it was necessary after what happened last year in the playroom.

How will she react to everything I need to tell her?

Granted she already knows a lot of the skeletons that were in my closet.

Her lips are on mine. When did that happen? I guess she noticed that I zoned out. " Ana!" As I call out her name she takes the initiative to deepen the kiss. Both of her hands are on the back of my neck, scraping her nails up through my hair. She isn't making this easy. My erection is rubbing against her hip. I want nothing more than to plunge into her. To feel her walls clench around my dick, to watch her lose control. I don't know how much more I can take.

"Christian, you know you want me too." she is a siren and I don't think I can control myself anymore.

"Anastasia, please!"

"Christian, we don't have to have sex. We could do so many things. Even Bill Clinton says blowjobs don't count as sex, who are we to argue with that logic?"

"Anastasia", I growl. "I am trying to be the gentleman."

Before I have a chance to say anymore her hand is on my rock hard cock and she is biting and sucking on my neck. Fuck, I will have a hickey for the first time ever. I give in and caress my hands down her delicate body. Her muscles are firmer and her waist is smaller but she feels the same, my Ana.

As she pumps my cock with her small hand. I slowly move my hand in between her legs, I insert two fingers. She is so tight and so ready. With my thumb on her clit I increase the pressure. I don't think either of us will last long.

As she moans, "Christian, please!" I latch onto her nipple. They have always been so sensitive. With a few more thrusts of my hand and Ana's walls tighten around my finger and she lets out a combination of words sounding like, "Christian", "fuck" and "so long", over and over again. Between her lithe little body squirming on my lap and her hand massaging every inch of my cock I find my release. I let go of her nipple and kiss her lips. Our tongues perform a beautiful dance saying what our words will not allow.

Silently we pull apart enough that we can place our foreheads together. I know I am grinning like a loon but that was amazing. Opening my eyes I see Ana with the same expression.

"Hi, I missed that. I have missed so much, I don't regret leaving but I do regret leaving you. I am sorry for what I said when we were in the playroom last time. I am sorry I cut you off and wouldn't let anyone say your name and most of all that I didn't safeword. At the time the words were the last thing on my mind. I thought that if I could prove that I could handle the worst of bdsm that you would let me touch you and open up to me. I have since learned that is not how it works. I know you were easy on me from the beginning and even the belt is not the worst."

What has she learned?

"Our relationship was my first. Not only was I a virgin when I met you, I also had only been kissed a few times, none of which felt anything like when you kiss me."

Not being able to resist, I lean in and give her a few kisses.

"Christian you were my first boyfriend and our relationship had a very unconventional start. I fell in love with you before I knew what to think. I was terrified to communicate how I was feeling.

I… I never felt beautiful. I couldn't understand how you were attracted to mousey me and not the lengthy, buxom blondes in your office."

"You are a goddess Anastasia!" I don't know if the look she is giving me means that she believes me or not?

"You have been on so many magazine covers. You are towards the top of multiple lists Forbes magazine has published. You are a self made man. How could I compete with the models that throw themselves at you?

I had nothing to offer. Minus my virginity which I freely gave to you.

It took a lot of work this past year for me to realize that I was sabotaging our relationship by not communicating with you.

I had no reason not to trust you yet I couldn't believe it when you said I was beautiful."

"I was always crying last year. I hate that.

With all the crying today you wouldn't know that I don't cry very often. I never have. Before our tear filled relationship the last time I cried was when I left Texas."

I can feel her tense with just the mention of Texas. We will need to discuss Morton.

"Today has just been a lot to take in. I still love you Christian. I never stopped. I think we need to get to know each other. It seems like a lifetime has passed us by in just twelve months."

Once Ana has stopped speaking I don't know what to think. Flynn would have a field day. I thought the view I had of myself was bad.

"Anastasia, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met. I don't know how or where you got mousey from but you are as far from that as possible.

Not only are you breathtakingly beautiful you are also incredibly smart.

You graduated with honors from WSU. You finished your Masters degree in less than a year, more than likely with honors as well. You wrote a book that is being published. I'm sure the list of accomplishments is much longer and I would like to know every one of them."

I pull her closer to me. After a few moments she starts.

"Christian, you are the only man I have wanted to be with. I am not going to lie to you….. I went on a handful of disastrous dates and dated one man for two months. He is more of a friend then anything... I will tell you everything but can we take it slow this time?"

A relationship for two months. That is more than double the length of our relationship.

"I was never in love with him. Please don't compare that relationship with what we have had."

Somehow she has always been able to see right through me and know exactly what I am thinking.

"Since that first moment I fell into your office I have been enthralled by you and only you.

Trust me nothing has ever compared to what you make me feel and what you can do to my body. It is racing because of you."

"You are not blushing. Why do I sense there's a story that I am not going to like?"

"Christian I essentially had a year long sabbatical researching sex, love, bdsm, relationships, orgasms and everything in between. After the first month of researching, events, clubs and interviews blushing pretty much stopped. People don't take you seriously if every little thing makes you blush. Plus you are what makes me blush most of all."

" What do you mean?"

"Christian, you were my first everything. Sometimes when you would catch that blush I was thinking of what you had done to me or what I would want you to do to me but I didn't have the courage to vocalize. A lot of people have relationships throughout high school and college. I had no desire for that. Not because I wasn't asked out but because of who was asking. I never had that connection or really even the desire. When I met you that all changed. I was thinking and doing so much. With all the books I read one would think I was always thinking about being romanced or sex. Until you I hadn't thought about being with anyone. Kate used to tease me that I lacked the 'I need a boyfriend gene.'"

A few more minutes of kissing and Ana once again pulls back. " Go ahead and ask?"

"What?" I go for innocent.

After her adorable giggle that I know is at my expense, "I hope you are better at bluffing when you play poker. Just ask, I know it is the question you want answered the most."

Shit, I don't want to piss her off but I can't lie to her. She wields some powerful powers. I wrap my arms around tighter holding her against my chest, inhaling her scent.

"Relax Christian I am not going anywhere."

I don't loosen my grip, after a moment I ask. "Have you had sex with anyone?"

"Christian, look at me." She leans back enough that we are looking into each other's eyes. "No and yes."

"What?"

"I will not lie to you. I want us to have a relationship that will last. You have to agree no to go crazy. No thermonuclear Christian. If I had a desire to be with someone that turns into a giant rage monster I would ask The Hulk out. Promise?"

"Promise." I sound like a petulant toddler even to my own ears.

"Christian, I wanted to date, I wanted have experiences that I thought would help me move on. Before you let your mind wander I am sitting in YOUR tub naked, please remember that. "

I can't argue with that logic.

"Okay, please explain. Is this more Bill Clinton logic?"

"One of the first things I did once I was at Berkeley was go to an adult toy store. The only toys I had played with were when you had done it. I couldn't exactly go on this exploration without knowing how to get myself off. The one and only time I had tried was when we were in Savannah and even then after a minute I gave up because I wanted you to do it.

Kate had bought me a toy once but I was far too embarrassed to ever use it. I am pretty sure it is still in the sealed box. When I left for the airport I had no idea where I was going so I obviously didn't pack it. At the store I purchased a few toys. I learned what I did and didn't enjoy. Want to know a secret?"

I nod although I don't know if I will like the answer.

"Every time I have gotten myself off over the last year I have pictured you."

"Really?" , this I like.

"Yes, really. I tried to think of other people and celebrities but it was always like a cold bucket of water on my libido. Only you!"

The twinkle in her eyes and the her hands massaging my neck have just made me rock hard again. Sorry buddy but you need to wait.

"So that is what you meant by yes and no?"

I can feel her flinch ever so slightly. If she wasn't sitting on my lap naked I might have missed it.

"No, that was solo so I don't think that counts. With the guy I was dating we tried some things."

I am not sure what things she is specifically stating so I am sure the look I am giving her is that have on idiot.

"Christian I wasn't in a contractual relationship. I didn't discuss every sex act possible over wine. It was more fumbling around. After over a month of dating I had decided I would try. He tried to go down on me but I couldn't get into it. All I could think of was that it wasn't you. I couldn't exactly think of you while with another guy. I was not aroused. I was so used to exploding with passion the moment you would look at me. It was strange and not a feeling I liked. I felt like I was cheating on you even though we weren't together. After a few more futile attempts we decided to just be friends."

"Okay now I understand what you meant by yes and no." I can handle this. The poor guy.

"Hey no laughing!"

Although she is trying to be serious she is also trying not to laugh. She finally starts to laugh.

"Stop, he is a good friend. Nothing has happened between us since last year. He helped me with my book. Don't be an ass when you meet him."

"I get to meet him?" I wasn't expecting that.

"Christian I was hoping you would be my date to my book release party that the publisher is throwing for me?"

"Of course, I wouldn't miss it for the world."

Another few minutes of passionate kissing and Ana again pulls away. I am starting to hate the look she is giving me. I'm not going to like this.

"There is more. Although I haven't had sex with anyone I did have several orgasms by other people."

And just like that I'm back to being confused.

"Christian I spent a year at a lot of different types of clubs and conferences. I took a class on yogagasms, pair bonding. I participated from time to time. I spoke with subs and would try things. It was always toys or some type of stimulation but it was never really sex. The only Penis that I have ever had or enjoyed was this one."

I can hear the sincerity in her voice as she reaches down and strokes my cock.

"I have found my voice in a way. I have learned that an orgasm is not something to be ashamed of. Not to judge what I haven't tried. How to pleasure myself and I can tell you how much I enjoy this."

The stroking continues as she nibbles on my neck.

"Christian I'm not the naive virgin anymore but I didn't become a slut either. In all the ways that matter I have always been yours."

"Mine?" My voice is a whisper. Can this be true.

"Please believe me, I haven't wanted anyone other than you. I tried but all it did was solidify that you are it for me."

"Anastasia, I love you!"

"Christian I love you too but we need to take this slow."

"How can you say that when you are stroking my cock?"

"We can pleasure each other and learn to be together like a couple at the same time. It might not be how a conventional relationship works but nothing about us has ever been normal."

"So sex is off the table?"

"For now yes, but think of all the other things that table can be used for."

Before I can let my mind drift to the possibilities her lips are attacking mine. We lose ourselves in each other without going all the way.

I might be able to get used to the no sex rule with Ana, at least for a while. I have managed this long.

Ana and I are sitting on my bed. She decided that we needed to order Chinese takeout and nothing else would do.

We both have bath robes on but they aren't closed so I can look at her beautiful body. She is sitting cross legged and I have the most spectacular view. She wasn't kidding when she said that she had gained confidence in her body.

"Christian, Christian…" Shit I got caught staring.

"Sorry."

"I do believe that the great Christian Grey is blushing." Her voice tells me she finds it amusing.

"I am not, are you making fun of me Ms. Steele?"

"I would never."

"Anastasia you have definitely changed over the past year but you are still a horrible liar."

" I am, it also means that you know I am telling you the truth when you ask me something. So what do you want to know?"

"I don't know. I want to know everything but for know tell me something funny that you did?" This will hopefully be a safe topic.

After a moment of considering my question a giant smile splits her face. She turns her body so our knees are touching and again she is looking at me in the eyes.

"For the first month I lived with my professor. In reality I spent lots of hours researching in the library, setting up the different trips I would take, lectures I would attend and dissecting every single moment that we were together. I was a complete hermit.

My professor suggested I put myself out there. A house that a friend of hers was renting out had a room open, it was a five bedroom house with all types of amenities included. The person that had been living there got married over the summer. The rent was peanuts because in reality it was a tax right off for her friend.

I had six roommates and all were grad students."

"Six other woman ?" Although I know it is unrealistic I ask anyways.

"Yes."

"Really?"

"No, not really. Christian if I lived in the dorms at WSU or even at Berkeley I wouldn't have all female roommates. Besides I have already told you I haven't had sex with anyone. Don't you trust me?"

I need to stop questioning her. I believe her it is just my unrealistic ideals when it comes to Ana. I can see the pain in her eyes and her shoulders have slumped showing how frustrated she is becoming.

"Of course I trust you. I am sorry. I know you were never my sub and to be honest I never cared what they did when it wasn't our time together. You are different. Every little thing about you and how I feel is different. Although I know you can take care of yourself, I still worry. Please forgive me. I'm sure it won't be the only time I need to apologize for this."

"Christian we are both new to this. Neither of us have ever had a long, healthy, loving relationship. That is part of the reason I want to take this slow…. I don't want us to fail. I want you to be my happily ever after. I have never wanted that with anyone but you."

The love I have for her continues to expand. How could I want anything else.

" I have never thought about a happily ever after. I never believed it was anything other than a fairytale. With you I can see it happening. I will be patient."

Ana arches her brow and tilts her head to the side.

"Fine , I will work on being patient. For you and only you."

"Thank you Christian. I think we can keep each other more than satisfied while we become reacquainted with each other. I can show you what I have learned."

"You drive a hard bargain Ms. Steele." Just as I am about to lean in and ravish her body she leans in, kisses my cheek and sits back.

"So do you want me to finish answering your question?"

"What question?"

"Something funny that I did."

"Umm sure."

"Christian, what's wrong?" The fake sincerity and the mischievous twinkle in her eye tells me she knows exactly what is wrong.

"Nothing, I am discovering that blue balls is in fact a real thing."

"Awe, your poor balls."

That little twinkle has turned into a supernova. Ana's hand traces up my leg and into the robe. She fondles and cups my balls with her tiny hands. The feeling is exquisite. Without looking away she reaches for her glass of Diet Coke. Taking a large gulp but she doesn't swallow.

She lightly squeezes them a bit, while cupping and light massage. She provides enough extra stimulation that my dick doesn't seem to care that he is being ignored.

She gently pushed me back against the bed and her mouth is around my balls with an ice cube. The feeling of warmth to ice cold is a shock but an amazing one. She releases them and her hands are caressing my thighs. She licks up and down the inside of my thighs. It is definitely a first but only because I had no idea it could feel so good. The sensation is a frenzy of nerves firing all at once. Just as my balls start to warm up again her tongue starts to go over them in a figure eight motion. She licks up the seam and then back to the figure eight. Her mouth is so cold but the room is warm. The sudden temperature change makes for an intense feeling.

I have always known that balls are an extensions of our penis, and they don't want to just sit there while the dick get is getting all the attention but they have never had this kind of treatment. This goes far beyond teabagging. Where did she learn how to do this?

"Christian, look at me. Get out of your head."

I look down into her eyes and I am mesmerized. Watching as she licks, kisses and worships my body. One long lick all the way up my dick and I explode as soon as she reaches the tip. The climax is mind blowing.

"How are those blue balls feeling now?"

"That was… words fail me."

"Now that you are feeling better should I finish my story."

"Ana, you are full of surprises."

"I am and I want to tell you about them so sit up."

"Wait a minute. I owe you."

"No Christian you don't. Sometimes it is just about you."

I sit up but I pull Ana into my lap. I need to be close to her. Feeling her warm body against mine.

"Tell me the funny part of your story." Running my hands up and down her back I just feel whole again. A piece of me has been missing for a year.

"After meeting all the roommates and talking about everything I decided to move in. Liam and Christopher were these incredibly handsome, built guys that had been together since Freshman year of undergrad. They both were pursuing careers in engineering. Ingrid and Chloe were engaged for two years but neither wanted to get married until they completed school. Chloe was studying political science and Ingrid was becoming an architect. Serena was a hot mess with a heart of gold. She was in med school. Robert was the last roommate and he was studying to become a sex therapist so he was going for his PHD in Psychology and his Masters had been in women's health."

Robert, the elusive Robert. She lived with him.

"So the house had a rule that every time they had a new roommate they would go out. Dinner and a club. We went to the White Horse, a club with karaoke, DJ and a show. I was still so upset about how things ended. I had times where I would remember something between us and it would just gut me. I tried to get out of going to the club but eventually they convinced me to go and have one drink."

What kind of show?

"So went to dinner and one of the appetizers were oysters. Every one that I had I thought of you. The bottles of wine that were brought to the table were amazing but it made me think of you. I made myself eat and honestly it was probably the first meal I had eaten in a long while that I finished. I later realized that if I could try to hang on to the good memories that things would go smoother."

Anastasia leans over and kissed me on the cheek, I don't know if it is for me or her.

"I decided to make the best of the night. When we got to the White Horse we played some pool, had some drinks and got to know each other. What I didn't know was that I was going to be part of the show."

"What! Please tell me this wasn't some kind of strip club?"

" No, not this time."

10,9,8,7,6,5, "Did I hear you correctly?"

" Christian breath… I will never get to the funny part if you don't calm down."

"You are right, I'm sorry. Please continue."

"After a few drinks we went backstage. A former roommate's parents own the club. We were going to participate in the opening number. Basically we would all be dressing up in costumes. Until we went backstage I didn't know what kind of show would be put on."

"So what was it?"

"Have you ever seen the Robin Williams movie The Birdcage?"

"It sounds familiar."

"I was given a very short sequin mini dress, a blonde pixie cut wig, sky high heels and more makeup than I have worn in my entire life and lots of glitter. Everyone in our group, the men and the women, along with ten of the most beautiful drag queens I have ever seen went on stage to sing It's raining men and We are family. I can't sing but with that many people on stage and the audience participating you couldn't hear me. I don't think I have laughed so hard in my entire life. These strong muscular men were wearing beautiful dresses and rest of the night we stayed in the costumes until we were about to leave. Not only was it a wonderful bonding experience it really did make me feel like part of their family. I have some pictures I can show you if you like. I look ridiculous but it was an amazing night."

"You might have to give me a private performance."

As I lean over to give her a kiss Ana whispers, "Only if you dress up too."

We both fall into a fit of laughter. Once we calm down we turn on the Birdcage on a movie channel. We laugh so much my side hurts. I hold Ana in my arms, we have so much more to talk through and so much I want to know but for the moment I will cherish every minute that she is in my arms.

I don't want to close my eyes and take the chance that this is a dream.


End file.
